No Whining Allowed
by jzhanfan
Summary: A humorous re-do of the original trilogy featuring all the usual suspects. A mother-daughter fan fiction collaboration in which Luke is not rescued on Hoth but suffers life-altering injuries instead... and the SW galaxy becomes a Whine-Free Zone. Rated K for a few mild expletives and excessive use of alliteration.
1. Preface

**Preface – At Breakfast**

_What you are about to read is the product of a goofy Sunday morning conversation at our breakfast table, when a small boy, who fancies himself a Jedi-in-training, was being quite vocal about not getting his way. _

_Comparison was made between small boy and a certain Jedi father and son who both exhibit a penchant for petulance. _

_It was observed that Anakin Skywalker ceased to whine after being placed in the black helmet. It was agreed that the voice modulator inside the helmet was the key, as it is clearly impossible to whine in James Earl Jones's voice. Even if you tried, it would come out deep and menacing instead of high pitched and whiney. _

_This, naturally, let to the suggestion (by the older sister of small boy) that perhaps small boy would cease to whine if he had a helmet. Small boy did not concur. In an attempt to head of further whining from small boy, I suggested that perhaps Luke Skywalker might have benefited from a helmet as well (making fun of Skywalkers is a frequent source of entertainment at our house), and brainstorming ensued as we debated the best spot in the Trilogy for this to occur, and what changes this might have wrought on other events. _

_About twenty minutes into this conversation, my daughter (who has recently discovered fan fiction in the Hunger Games genre) commented that this would be an awesome fan fic. I agreed, and was immediately appointed to take notes on the laptop. _

_We have tidied it up a bit for publication (spell check, etc) but have attempted to preserve the spirit of the original brainstorming session, so please assume that any internal inconsistencies, canon inaccuracies or grammar oddities are intentional. _

_This is intended as a humorous piece. All characters, situations, etc, are the intellectual property of George Lucas and Lucasfilms, whom we hold in high regard. _


	2. Star Wars A New Hope

**Part I – Star Wars (A New Hope)**

This movie rocks in its original form. We do not wish to revise it at all, even though Luke exhibits extreme whininess throughout this film. This is necessary for proper character development.

We would, however, like to note that our universe maintains that the film as released in 1977 is the definitive version and we reject all subsequent DVD/Blu Ray release "improvements".

It does not say anything about "Episode IV" in the initial crawl

Han shot first.

There are no CGI creatures in the desert.

Jabba the Hutt does not appear in the film at all.

No one in the movie mentions the name "Anakin"

Ben Kenobi's dragon call in the desert sounds like a dragon call and not… whatever that other thing is

Jawas do not blink. (Wait, no… that's Ewoks. No, seriously. We are pretty sure Jawas did not blink either.)

That's it. On to ESB...


	3. The Empire Strikes Back

**Part II- The Empire Strikes Back (ESB) **

Our revision of the saga to save Luke from the curse of whininess begins on Hoth, where Cliff the mailman (I mean, Major Derlin) shows some _cojones_ and prevents Solo from going out to search for a Skywalker in a snowstorm. The shield doors are closed on time and Luke spends the frigid night in the open instead of inside a dead tauntaun. Instead of going out to look for Luke, Han spends the night in the hangar with Chewie continuing the repairs the _Falcon_, discovers the problem with the hyperdrive, and scrounges replacement parts from the storeroom while the supply officer is sleeping. He and Chewie store the spare parts in the hidden compartments and plan to install them once they are away from Hoth.

While he lies, freezing, in the snow, Luke is visited by the Force-ghost of Ben Kenobi, who puts him into a time-slowing trance and imparts years of Jedi wisdom over the course of the long night. In the morning, all snow speeders are sent out searching, find frozen Luke and are amazed that he is still alive. On the plus side, he doesn't smell like tauntaun entrails. On the minus side, he has suffered frostbite on 95% of his body and there is not enough bacta on the base to repair this much damage.

The medical droids therefore fit him with prosthetic body, similar to Vader's except much cooler and less evil. Armored bio-suit material is somewhat difficult to obtain on the black market, so the color selection available is rather limited. Too-One-Bee initially consults Princess Leia, who designs a suit in hot pink with lime green accents. Chewbacca states that in three hundred years he has never seen a Jedi who wore pink, and that everyone knows that Jedi always dress in brown. Suit is therefore redone in brown, with tasteful fur accents contributed by Chewbacca.

Luke's voice, like Vader's, is magically transformed into awesomeness by the voice modulating box. Inside the helmet, he attempts to say, "But it's not _fair!_" in his customary whiney tone, but it comes out "I wish it were not so," in the voice of Patrick Stewart. Everyone is deeply impressed with Luke's new whine-free personality.

Meanwhile back in hyperspace, Vader and the Emperor hatch their plot to capture the son of Skywalker and bring him over to the dark side. The Imperial Fleet breaks out of hyperspace and proceeds with the invasion of Hoth in a similar manner to how it happens in ESB, with a few minor changes.

When Admiral Ozzel is Force-choked by Vader, several cleaning droids arrive and we see them carry his body away, because a certain small boy has always wanted to see this happen.

Down on Hoth, Luke, in his prosthetic costume, is not cleared to fly snow speeder and is forced to stay behind in the Command Center with Leia, who pats him on the helmet and tells him how brave he is.

Wedge commands the Rogues in their attack on walkers, which is much more successful without Luke's whiny presence and eliminates the pointless character of Dack. Practical joker Wes Janson thinks that tripping walkers with tow cables wrapped around their legs would be really funny, and it turns out to also be quite successful at stopping their attack.

Vader arrives on the base with his stormtrooper gang and invades the Command Center just as Han arrives to drag Leia out of there. Luke whips out a lightsaber and battles with Vader to give Han and Leia time to escape to the _Falcon_. Vader does not recognize Luke at first, due to his new suit. Just as Vader realizes who he is fighting, the cave collapses. Luke escapes at the last moment in his X-Wing which Artoo has had the foresight to warm up and get ready to go, just in case.

Threepio, tragically, is trapped in the rubble and crushed.

The pursuit of the Falcon ensues in similar fashion to ESB except that Threepio is, sadly, missing. This works out well, however, for Han and Leia, who are not interrupted at a crucial moment by Threepio and have plenty of time for snogging while Chewie completes repair and installation of the hyperdrive module.

Luke and Artoo have no reason to go to Dagobah so they are at the rendezvous already.

Chewie contacts the Fleet and lets them know what's going on. Since the Rebels are about to relocate again, and they need a port to hang out in while they install the replacement hyperdrive parts, Han and Chewie decide to drop in on their old pal Lando. Luke and Artoo set out to join them on Bespn.

Boba Fett is able to intercept this transmission and follows them there hoping to collect the bounty on Han. While traveling he receives Vader's all points bulletin on the _Falcon _and calls him up to make a deal.

Fett and Vader arrive on Bespin and intimidate Lando into cooperating. Fett stands around looking menacing as he does in ESB except that he speaks much more often. In fact, he and Vader have a loud row over what fate will befall their respective captives.

Fett worries aloud that Solo will stab him in the back while being transported to Jabba.

Vader points out that Fett is encased in armor and stabbing should not harm him.

Fett points out that Solo is sneaky and might locate the one vulnerable point in his armor which is a tiny spot located in his left armpit.

Vader immediately begins to wondering if _his_ armor also has secret vulnerable location that Emperor never mentioned to him.

Fett says this is highly likely.

Vader remembers that his son is also armor clad. Perhaps Luke has a vulnerable spot as well. Perhaps Luke knows where his vulnerable spot is. Perhaps it is the same spot as Vader's and he can convince Luke to tell him where it is, once the emperor has turned him to the dark side. Or, perhaps, Luke will use this information against him. Hmmm… perhaps Fett has a point about neutralizing one's captive.

Lando, tired of this conversation, suggests that both of them should go jump in the carbon freezing pit and shut the hell up.

Vader and Fett turn to him in surprise. "This facility has a carbon freezing pit? Why did you not mention this before? "

"I don't know," Lando says, "maybe because you two didn't give me a chance to get a word in edgewise?"

Vader and Fett then argue at length about whose captive should be the test case and whose captive is more valuable, at which point Fett gets to utter his infamous ESB quote, "He's no use to me dead."

Vader says that the dark side of the force is so powerful that it can even bring people back from the dead. He neglects to mention that the Emperor has not yet taught him this trick. Fett, thinking that Vader knows this skill, agrees to let Solo be the test case since he figures that if Solo dies, Vader can just bring him back to life.

In fact, Fett muses, perhaps he could kill Solo more than once, just for fun. He asks Vader how many times one person can be brought back from the dead.

Vader, who of course, does not actually know how to do this, says, "Three hundred and forty seven." Because… well, why not?

Fett logs into the Holonet immediately to learn how many other crime lords have offered a bounty for Solo as well as Jabba, and plots to claim as many bounties as possible.

Lando seizes this opportunity to sneak away and contact the Falcon to warn them of the ambush awaiting them.

Han and Leia are locked in a cabin, still snogging. Chewbacca answers the call. He immediately realizes that the only way to defeat Vader and the Emperor is to bring the last Jedi Master from his exile so that he and Luke can join forces and combat the dark side for the last time. But, sadly the location of Yoda's retirement home is a closely guarded secret, and everyone who knew it is now dead. How will he find the diminutive Jedi master after all this time?

Fortuitously, Ben Kenobi chooses this moment to appear in the cockpit of the Falcon. He is looking for Luke, but has chosen the wrong ship to visit. Chewbacca and Ben chat and Chewie mentions his dilemma over how to locate Master Yoda. Ben says that being dead, he knows everything now, and therefore is able to reveal the location of Yoda's retirement hut on Dagobah. Ben then decides that Yoda can take care of everything and says that he doesn't actually need to talk to Luke after all, and leaves.

Chewie calls Luke who agrees to meet up with them. They all land on Bespin. Fett immediately seizes Han and reveals his plan to throw him into the carbon freezing pit. Leia and Luke are determined to thwart him and a chase ensues.

Chewbacca and Artoo, left on the Flacon, depart immediately for Dagobah to retrieve Yoda. Artoo refuses to exit the ship on Dagobah, pointing out that place is slimy and wet. Chewbacca, being covered in fur, agrees that this does not sound like a hospitable environment. He activates the _Falcon's _transport beam and teleports the Jedi Master onto the ship instead. On the trip back to Bespin, Artoo and Yoda fight over a flashlight in the _Falcon's_ hold. Chewie sends them both to their rooms without dinner.

Meanwhile, back on Bespin, Fett freezes Han and sticks him in the trunk of the _Slave I_. Leia sneaks aboard and hides in a storage locker in Fett's ship with a plan to rescue Han.

Meanwhile Luke encounters Vader and they have a fantastic lightsaber battle, during which Vader reveals, "Luke, I am your father!"

Luke, undisturbed by this revelation, says, "I know."

Vader says, "What do you mean, you know? That was supposed to be my dramatic moment."

Luke says "Sorry, dad, but Ben told me everything, while I was dying on Hoth."

"Dying?" Vader says. "You were dying? I was dying once."

Luke says, "It sucks, doesn't it?" Vader and Luke bond over their near death experiences. They share stories about being fitted for prosthetic bodies. Vader laments that despite his growing fondness for his son, and the many things they appear to have in common, he must still capture him and deliver him to the Emperor. But, he is cheered by the thought that one day soon, when the Emperor has brought his son to the dark side, they can be friends.

At this point, Chewbacca teleports Yoda down into the midst of the battle. Vader says, "You! I thought you were dead, you little green creep."

"Ha," Yoda says. "Kill me that easily you cannot. Alive I am. Dead will you be."

Luke says "Who are you, and where did you come from? You can't kill him. He's my dad."

"Know that I do," Yoda says. "Know that everyone does. Nothing does it change. Destroyed he must be."

"No, really. He's actually pretty cool. Except for that dark side of the force thing."

Vader says "Alas, that dark side of the force thing is what keeps me alive. Without it, I will die."

Luke says that his suit is powered by the light side of the force.

Yoda says "Much better at keeping one alive the light side is. Very poor at this the dark side is."

Vader says that the Emperor told him that only the dark side could keep people from dying.

"Lied to you, he did," says Yoda.

"Did not," Vader says.

"Too, he did," Yoda says back.

"I cannot turn my back on him after all this time. He is my only friend," Vader says.

"That's not true, dad. I'm your friend," Luke says.

"Really?" Vader says. "Even though I tried to kill you?"

"Aww, you're my dad," Luke says. They hug.

"Well and good all this is," Yoda says, "but decide you must, what side you are on."

Vader says that it is too late for him, he has forgotten how to use the light side.

"Rubbish that is," Yoda says. "Like driving a pod racer it is. Never forget it you do. "

"Well, I guess I can try," Vader says.

"Do, or do not," Yoda intones, solemnly. "There is no try."

Fade out…

Meanwhile back on the Slave I, Fett keeps calling Vader on his cell phone to ask when Vader is going to get his dark side butt over here, so he can start killing Solo over and over. Vader is busy, of course, fighting with Luke, and has forwarded all calls to voice mail.

Leia, who has brought the handy cell phone reception tapping device that Artoo gave her, is listening in and soon deciphers Fett's sinister plan. Leia contacts Artoo on the _Falcon_ and he slices into Fett's voice mail, where he inserts a false message from Vader, in which the Dark Lord chuckles in an evil Sith manner and says, "Fett, you are a fool. There is no deal, you are lucky I have left you alive." Artoo also intercepts the seven angry messages Fett attempts to leave for Vader. At this point, Fett decides to cut his losses and go claim the bounty from Jabba.

Leia's plan is to sneak Han out of the ship on Tatooine, but she fails to realize that Fett also has a teleportation device and thus she is left behind on the _Slave I_ at Mos Eisley spaceport when Fett simply beams himself and Solo to Jabba's palace. Fortuitously, her cell phone rings and it's Lando, who wants to ask her out on a date. She says "Sure, but you have to get me out of Fett's ship first." When he comes to get her, she says he also has to help her rescue Han from Jabba's palace. Lando says, "But I thought you said we could go on a date!" and Leia answers, "I didn't say _when _we'd go on this date, did I?" and Lando sighs, knowing he has been had.

Together they come up with a plan to infiltrate Jabba's palace by getting jobs as a guard and a dancer. Unfortunately they fail to anticipate that a) Jabba does not allow his guards to have blasters, because he's afraid (rightly so, of course) that they might shoot him, and b) Leia's dancing costume does not have room for a hidden weapon either. They are left defenseless. Lando contacts Chewie, who says they should sit tight until the next movie, when Yoda will fix everything. Lando spends the remainder of the movie following Leia around the palace and trying to talk her into going out with him. This is not very sucessful since she spends most of her time – when she's not dancing, that is - sitting in front of Han's carbonite block and having imaginary conversations with him.

Cut to the _Falcon's _hold, where Yoda and Luke are sitting with Vader, celebrating his return to the light side of the Force. They come up with a totally awesome Jedi plan to take out the Emperor for good. Chewie sticks his head in to report that Lando and Leia tried to rescue Han and are now trapped at Jabba's. He says that they must go rescue Han.

Luke says, "Forget Han, we have to go rescue Leia! I never even got to kiss her!"

Yoda says, "Kiss her you cannot! Your sister she is. Pervert you are!"

"What?" Luke says.

"Thought Ben told you everything, I did," Yoda says.

"He didn't tell me that part," Luke whines, and for a moment, he sounds like Luke again, and not Patrick Stewart, as it is impossible to whine in Patrick Stewart's voice. Chewie slaps him upside the helmet and the awesome voice returns. "Chewie's right," Luke says, bravely. "We have to rescue Han."

"If only a translator droid we had," muses Yoda, "infiltrate Jabba's palace we could. Job opening I have heard there is. Three million languages must you speak to qualify."

"Too bad Threepio was buried on Hoth", Luke says. "He'd be perfect for that job."

"Threepio?" Vader says. "That protocol droid I made for my mom all those years ago? That Threepio?"

"One and the same," Yoda nods.

"Get out!" Luke says. "You MADE Threepio?"

"Yes. Yes I did," Vader says, proudly.

"Why?" Luke demands.

"Well, I don't know, son. It seemed like a good idea at the time."

"Fix him, you can," Yoda says. And they depart for Hoth to rescue and restore Threepio.

Vader and Luke, combine their forces and make Threepio into the awesome droid he should have been all along. He applies for the job at Jabba's and is hired on the spot.

Credits roll.


	4. Return of the Jedi

**Part III - Return of the Jedi **

Open at Jabba's palace where Threepio shows up in the throne room on his first day of work. Lando and Leia are surprised to see him. Leia is surprised because she thought he was destroyed on Hoth. Lando is surprised because he didn't know that droids could be translators. If only he'd known, he'd have gotten a golden droid instead of a lobotomized bald dude back on Bespin. A golden droid would have been so cool. Not that the bald dude wasn't cool. But still. A droid made out of gold?

Threepio, who is now awesome, sneaks away from Jabba at the first opportunity and explains Yoda's plan to Lando and Leia,who immediately agree that it is the best plan ever, as well as being totally awesome and full of Jedi coolness.

We cut to the _Falcon,_ where Yoda's plan is revealed to us when we see Luke and Vader wearing each other's suits. As the helmets are placed over their heads, Yoda says, "Trick the Emperor we will."

"Your suit is so cool," Vader says, in Patrick-Stewart-as-Luke's voice. "No way are you getting it back."

Chewie teleports them onto the Emperor's ship, where Luke-disguised-as-Vader proudly presents the Emperor with his captive, Vader-disguised-as-Luke. The Emperor says, "Who the heck is that and why's he wearing that really cool brown suit? I thought your son was that whiney kid."

"He had an accident, my lord," Luke-disguised-as-Vader says, in James Earl Jones's voice.

"Ah, an accident, I see," the Emperor says. "I bet he fell down the stairs, right?"

"No, he got frostbite," Luke-disguised-as-Vader says, not getting the joke. Because, even though has an awesome voice and an awesome costume, he is still a big dork. Just a big awesome Jedi dork.

Cut to Tatooine, where the next step of Yoda's master plan is revealed. The diminutive Jedi master shimmers into existence at the door of Jabba's palace in the dark of night. The door is really, really, really, big. Yoda is really, really, really, small. This door is so immensely big you can't even imagine it; it is the biggest door in the universe. It is so big that Yoda can't reach the handle. This does not stop him, though, as he uses his Jedi powers to shrink the door to Yoda size. As a side benefit, this transformation means that no one else can ever get out. "Heh, heh, heh," Yoda chuckles happily as he trots into the palace.

He then uses his Jedi powers to put everyone in the place to sleep, because he is so awesome that it doesn't matter that they are usually immune to the Force. Then Yoda un-freezes Han, who is hanging up on the wall in a tasteless display, just like in ROTJ. There is no sparkling, or laser beams involved. Yoda just puts his hand on carbonite block, and it melts away, into a puddle of black stuff on the floor. Han stays standing up as he thaws, held there by the Force. Also he is not all wet, or blind, and he did not get fat, he is as hot as ever.

Yoda hands him a fedora.

Han says, "What the heck is this?"

Yoda says, "Your hat it is."

Han sighs. "I don't wear hats, that's Indiana Jones. People are always confusing us."

"Sorry," Yoda says. "Easy mistake it is. Much alike do you look."

Han snorts. You can tell he doesn't think they look anything alike. "Who are you, anyway?" he demands. "Where am I? Where's my ship?

"Time there is not for foolish questions," Yoda announces, and points at him with a tiny green finger. Han is instantly teleported into the cockpit of the _Falcon_ where Chewie fills him in on what has happened.

Yoda then makes a swirly motion with his hands and he, Leia, Threepio, and Lando are also transported out of the palace and appear in the _Falcon's _cockpit. It is rather crowded in there. Chewie points down at the planet below, and we see Jabba's palace explode. "Heh, heh, heh," Yoda cackles.

Leia runs to Han and hugs him. She is still wearing a metal bikini. Han says, "Cool outfit, babe," and they start snogging. Luke and Chewie make gag/puke/choking noises.

"Hey, I thought we were going to go on a date," Lando says.

"Wait. You were going on a date, with Lando?" Han is very upset at this until Leia whispers in his ear and explains the part about how she never told Lando _when _this date would be. "So when is it going to be?" Han demands to know.

"Duh," she says. "When Hoth melts." They kiss and make up.

They keep making up for a long time until Yoda shakes his head in disgust. "A room get you," Yoda says, and Leia and Han immediately stop kissing. They look up, confused, because they didn't mean to stop and can't figure out why they did. Yoda waves his hand at them. "Go," he advises, and they promptly head for the bunkroom. "Heh, heh," chuckles Yoda. "So easy was that."

"Wow, did you do that with the Force?" Luke demands. "Will you teach me how? I've been trying to make her stop kissing Han for ages."

"Use the Force for personal gain you must not," Yoda says. "A special circumstance this was", he adds, when Luke opens his mouth to protest.

"Who… I mean, _what_ the heck are you, anyway?" Lando says to Yoda.

"Jedi Master am I" says Yoda. "Who are you?"

"Lando Calrissian…" he begins, in a suave and charming manner, but just then Chewie flips the switch and the ship zooms into hyperspace. Since Lando is not wearing a seat belt, he flies across the cockpit, whacks his head on a door panel, and collapses on the floor, unconscious. Since they have the Force, Luke and Yoda do not fall over, and laugh uproariously at Lando's predicament.

Meanwhile back on the Emperor's ship, Vader- disguised-as-Luke has been placed in a cell. The Emperor orders the ship to travel to Endor, where he reveals to Luke-disguised-as-Vader the existence of the new and improved Death Star, his plan to trap the Rebel fleet, and "destroy everything that young Skywalker holds dear." This experience, he explains, will send Luke into "a pit of despair from which the dark side is his only escape."

"Wow," Luke-disguised-as-Vader says. "Cool plan, dude."

The emperor says, "Wait, what did you just say?"

"I said, an excellent and evil plan, my master," Luke-disguised-as-Vader revises hastily.

"Oh. That's what I thought you said," Palatine says.

_Whew,_ Luke thinks_, close one. _

Luke suddenly realizes that he must tell his friends about the emperor's plan. But how?

Fortuitously, at this point Ben appears to him in a dream and says, "No worries. I'm dead now, so I can talk to everyone. I'll tell Yoda, he'll take care of everything."

"Cool," Luke says.

"Peace, my young friend," Ben says.

"Hey, man… wait a minute," Luke says. "How come you never told me about Leia being my sister?"

"Gotta go," Ben says. "Afterlife's a busy place, you know."

"Aaaaaaaagh!" Luke says.

Ben appears to Yoda and tells him all about what Luke has told him about the Emperor's plot.

"So. Talked to Luke, did you?" Yoda asks shrewdly.

"Yep," Ben says happily.

"Mad at you, I bet he is," Yoda says.

"Oh, yeah." Ben chuckles . "He's really pissed about that whole Leia-turning-out-to-be-his-sister thing."

"Not very nice was it," Yoda chides, "such information to keep from the boy."

"I know, I know." Ben agrees. "But come on, Master Yoda. I'm dead. I gotta have some fun somehow."

The _Falcon_ arrives at the Rebel ship. They are all excited about the Death Star and how they think they can blow it up. Yoda informs them that it's a trap. "Oh no," Threepio says, "We're doomed!"

"No," Yoda says. "A plan have I. Awesome it is."

Yoda steps up to the center of the room, where he smacks Mon Monthma and General Madine with his stick to get them out of the way, and proceeds to reveal his awesome plan. Everyone is most impressed.

Han and Leia finally turn up at the meeting, just in time to hear Yoda explain the part of the plan that involves Han and Leia and the droids going to Endor to blow up the power generator. Chewie insists that he must go with them because if he doesn't, they will spend the whole time snogging in the woods and forget what they are there to do. Since they showed up late - and everyone is pretending not to notice that Leia's shirt is on inside out - and since they are sitting in the corner of the conference room, right now, snogging, Yoda agrees that Chewie has a point.

So, Han, Leia, Chewie, and the droids go to Endor. Chewie discovers a giant pile of meat hanging from a string and takes it. Of course it is a trap. The Ewoks arrive. Threepio is awesome enough now that he doesn't need Luke to help him pretend to be a god. The Ewoks do as he says and set everyone free. Chewie and the Ewoks discover that they both like chicken and the Ewoks invite everyone for dinner.

On the way back to Ewok village, Han and Leia sneak into the woods to snog. Leia is distracted however, when she spots the immense factory and outlet store where the Ewoks manufacture and sell their line of human-sized dresses for galaxy-wide distribution. She ditches Han and goes shopping.

Han, dejected, heads off for the river to sulk. It turns out to be the sacred river which no one is allowed to swim in and when Han takes off all of his clothes - giving us a gratuitous butt shot in the process – and jumps in, the Ewoks are enraged and they take him prisoner not realizing that he is friends with their new buddy Chewie. They take him back to the village, tied to a stick, and prop him up in the corner while they argue over how to punish him for his terrible desecration of the sacred river.

Han, who was captured while skinny dipping, is shirtless and wet throughout this adventure, but the Ewoks have thoughtfully provided him with a discreet loincloth to preserve the PG rating.

The Ewoks, unable to agree on a suitable punishment decide to consult with their new god, Threepio. Threepio, who has always hated Han, first suggests that he be dropped off the highest platform into the river that he desecrated. and left to drown. Chewie says that he owes Han a life debt and he cannot allow Han to be killed.

The Ewoks say, tough, the word of the golden god is law. Chewie murmurs aloud about droid arms falling out of the sockets really easily, and Threepio says that he has changed his mind. He announces that Han should be left tied to the stick and not be permitted to attend the fabulous chicken dinner that has been prepared for the evening. Han cracks, "Good, I don't like chicken anyway."

Threepio gets mad at Han for being sarcastic with a god, and says that if Han wants to be released, he must let Threepio sit in the pilot's seat the next time they fly the _Falcon. _

Han says, "Over my dead body."

Chewie says, "Mine, too," and growls in a medium-level-menacing way.

Threepio says "How about if you put a bumper sticker on the F_alcon_ that says _Threepio is a god_?"

Han rolls his eyes. "Ok, ok." In an undertone to Chewbacca, he adds, "but it's going on the side of the ship that never gets photographed."

The Ewoks untie Han and Leia returns from her shopping trip. She asks the Ewoks if they can direct her to a shoe store because none of her shoes go with her new dress. They tell her that the shoe factory is on the other side of the planet. She decides to go barefoot rather than wear her snow boots with her new dress. Han tells her that her new dress looks hot, and they immediately disappear into the woods for several hours. Fortunately Han is carrying his cell phone so Artoo is able to make sure they get back in time for dinner.

At the feast, Threepio tells Leia that Luke is her brother.

She says, "GET OUT!"

Han says, "Cool. Now you have no excuse not to date me, sweetheart. Not that you would have any reason to go out with that whiney kid anyway."

Leia says, "But he is awesome now. And a Jedi. And he has the coolest voice ever."

Han says, "But he's your brother."

Collectively, the Ewoks, Chewie, and Artoo, all yell, "EWWWWWW!"

Leia says, "Yeah, you're right. Ewwwww." Han is relieved and kisses her. The kiss ends and she adds, "So does that mean we can get married?"

Han says, "What, like now?"

Threepio says, "Since I am a god now, I can perform marriages."

Han gives Chewie a desperate look and Chewie says, quickly, "But you can't get married without a ring."

"Oh, right!" Leia exclaims. "Where's the jewelry store?"

The Ewoks all look at each other in confusion. "What is a jewelry store?"

Leia sighs. "I guess we'll have to wait till we get back to civilization, Flyboy."

_Whew,_ Han thinks. _Close one. _

Meanwhile back on the ship… Luke and Vader and the Emperor are trading insults and occasionally hurling things at one another using the force. Suddenly, CGI Yoda jumps out from behind the throne and does a quadruple backflip, landing in the exact center of the room, where he poses for a moment in a perfect high definition digital screen shot.

"A long time have I waited," he says, "for this day. At last, end this I will, Palpatine. Destroy the Sith once and for all will I."

"Never!" shouts the Emperor. "And… by the way… I thought you were dead?"

Luke and Anakin take off their helmets and shout, "That's what you think! He is not dead yet, and we are allies now!

The Emperor is confused. "But… I thought that was the plan?"

"Ha!" Vader says. "My son and I are allies but you are our enemy!"

"Destroy you, we will." Luke adds, excited.

"My line that is," Yoda says grumpily.

Then the three of them gang up on the Emperor, throw him in the pit, and teleport back to the fleet where Lando is preparing to fly the _Falcon_ into the Death Star and blow it up.

"You better not get a scratch on that ship," Luke says, "or Han will kick your butt."

"I know," Lando says. "He is so picky about his ship. You would think it was like Super Deluxe Stealth X or something and not a hunk of junk."

"Save my life, that hunk of junk has," Yoda says. "Fastest hunk of junk in the galaxy it is."

"Just shut up and fly it," Ackbar says. "It's a trap anyway."

In the morning, the Ewoks take Han and Leia to the closest weapons store in the woods and they acquire a lot of firepower, which they will use to blow up the generator. Chewie stays in the village eating chicken. Threepio sits on his godly throne being awesome. Artoo goes with Han and Leia and pokes Han in the butt with a stick any time Han and Leia try to sneak off into the woods. This means that the destruction of the generator goes off without a hitch and Lando is able to fly into the Death Star and blow it up while the rest of the fleet lurks just out of sight behind a nearby moon.

When the rest of the Imperial ships show up thinking they are going to battle the Rebels, the Rebels jump out from behind the moon and yell, "It's a trap… on _you!"_ They then blow them all up.

Everyone comes back to Endor and there is a large party. Han takes Leia to the other side of the planet so she can buy shoes. Luke and Vader are arguing over who gets to keep the cool brown suit and Yoda sends them both to their rooms without dinner. There is dancing and fireworks but only on Endor and not on seven random CGI planets.

No one - and this is really important, so we are going to repeat it - NO ONE says "Wezza free!"

Credits roll.


	5. Epilogue

**The Post-Jedi Universe**

In the morning, Yoda tells the Skywalkers that no one gets the brown suit, because he is going to teach them to use the light side of the force to heal themselves so they don't need suits any more. (Actually he's plotting to take the brown suit home with him.)

When they are healed, Anakin looks like the older version of himself that appeared at the end of the original ROTJ and nothing like Hayden Christiansen. He keeps growing until he is taller than his son. Luke, who now looks like Jean-Luc Picard but has his own whiney voice back, says, "That's not fair!" and goes to Yoda. "Teach me how to use the force to make myself taller," he demands.

Yoda says, "Use the force to be taller? Impossible that is."

"But Master Yoda," Luke moans, "I thought nothing is impossible with the force?"

"Crazy talk, this is," Yoda says, stamping his cane. "And something wrong with your voice there is."

"But it is possible to use the Force to be taller," Luke insists, ignoring the crack about his voice (yep, still a clueless Jedi dork) "My dad did it, I saw him."

"Out get you!" Yoda exclaims, and summons Anakin out of thin air to stand in front of him.

Looking him up and down, he marvels, "Taller you are, Jedi Skywalker. This trick, learn it where did you?"

"From the Emperor," Anakin says.

"Of the dark side, it must be," Yoda says, sadly. "Use it I cannot."

"Nah," Anakin says, "It's easy. I'll show you."

The next day, now six feet tall, wearing the brown suit minus the helmet, Yoda announces that he is retiring.

Han and Leia are married two weeks later in an elaborate ceremony involving three costume changes for Leia. They embark on an extended honeymoon touring the planets in the Outer Rim and sharing the good news about the Emperor's death. Leia does not become chief of State.

Two years later, Yoda comes out of retirement to assist the New Republic in their battle against the crafty Grand Admiral Thrawn, and Leia gives birth to twins.

Afterward, Yoda once again announces his retirement from the Jedi order at the ribbon cutting event for the newly established Jedi Academy. Yoda appoints Luke and Anakin as joint headmasters and heads out for the unknown regions to look for others of his species, so that he can share the secret of acquiring height through the Force.

Five years later, the spirit of Exar Kun invades the academy grounds and takes both Luke and Anakin over. Han and Leia's twins, Jacen and Jaina, although only five years old, are strong in the force, and they call to Master Yoda for help. He once again returns, reluctantly, to action and easily dispatches Exar Kun back to afterlife.

Yoda retires for the third time, announcing his intentions in a holo-net broadcast watched by eighteen billion beings across the galaxy. Wagers are offered on all of the major casino planets regarding where Yoda will choose to make his post-retirement home but he refuses to tell anyone where he has gone. When he appears in visions to the Skywalkers and others at the Academy, he is always standing on a beach.

Luke and Anakin run the Academy into the ground in three years. Public outcry causes Yoda to consent to return, to restore it to its former glory. He fires the Skywalkers, who open a profitable used spaceship dealership on Tatooine. Han and Leia are approached by Booster Terrik to become partners in his casino-on-a-retired-star-destroyer plan and agree to participate. The _Errant Venture _is extremely profitable for all and Leia works part time there as a dancer while Han occasionally fills in as a dealer at the sabacc tables. They have two more children, neither of which is named "Anakin", and neither of which has any Force abilities.

Jacen and Jaina Solo meanwhile attend the academy. Under Yoda's instruction, Jacen becomes a powerful Jedi who never wavers in his commitment to the light. When the Vuzong Vong invade the galaxy, Jacen and Yoda are able to imprison them in a black hole before they reach the core worlds.

Chewbacca and Mallatobuk have eleven more offspring, and live out their lives in blissful anonymity on Kyshhyyk.

Yoda teaches Jacen and Jaina the secret of rejuvenation that has enabled him to survive and remain young and green for over a thousand years. Jacen and Jaina use this power to help their parents remain in their prime for many years. Han does not go bald and Leia's hair never turns grey. The Solos visit Chewie and his family on Kyshhyyk occasionally when they are feeling nostalgic and get a hankering to snog in the woods.

Luke and Anakin go bankrupt when teleportation becomes cheap and available to all, and no one needs a ship anymore.

Anakin suddenly realizes that he can use the Force to bring Padme back to life after all and that love is more important than money. He brings her back, and they move to Naboo where they spend all of their time lolling around in the fields of flowers and gazing at one another in the same nauseating manner as they did in Attack of the Clones.

Luke and Lando open a nightclub on a space station (slogan: "That's no moon, that's the Dance Star!") where Luke meets his wife, a waitress named Brandy. Lando marries Brandy's sister, Betty, and the four of them begin plans to build a planet-sized beach resort. Unfortunately the planet they choose for this project happens to be the secluded, warm place where Yoda has a retirement home. Yoda uses the Force to cause them to forget where the planet is and he is never heard from again.

Threepio remains on Endor with the Ewoks, who revere him as a god for many years until production of droid lubrication oil ceases in the year 512 ABY and he rusts quietly on his throne. The Ewoks do not realize this – they only notice that he is much quieter than used to be, and continue to honor his golden form.

Artoo Detoo had many adventures both with and without his Star Wars companions. A complete accounting of Artoo's story can be found in his memoirs, to be published soon.

**The End... for now**


End file.
